


Absolute Nonsense that Nobody Asked For Ever

by Gwenpools_Aesthetic



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Trek, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 06:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19806889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwenpools_Aesthetic/pseuds/Gwenpools_Aesthetic
Summary: Literally No One:Me: Ok, but what if Captain America and Captain Kirk were having sex...This is a place where I post random nonsense, generally inspired by some ridiculous thing posted by a friend on social media. These are hastily written and not edited, much less Beta'd. So, I guess what I'm saying is they're probably not good? But I think they're funny.Once something is posted here, I'm done with it. If you want to take the idea and write your own full length fic based on it, PLEASE do so!!  I would love that. Can you please note that it was inspired by mine, though? Mostly just because I want to know it's there so I can read it!!THANKS!!





	1. Cap & the Captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set up: 
> 
> Everyone knows that Chris Evans is the best Chris. But I'd like to argue that Chris Pine is a close #2. So how to get them into a fanfic together? Well, in JJ Abrams Trek, Thor is Kirk's dad. Must be time travel, right? So it only follows that Captain America and Captain Kirk could meet, right? And I'm sure an epic power struggle would ensue.

Kirk squirmed. The man holding his wrists tightly was stronger than a Vulcan and more single-minded than a Klingon. He had Kirk pinned down on the bed, one thigh pushing up into Kirk's groin.  
“Yield,” Steve said.  
“I won’t,” Kirk replied.  
Steve kissed him, long and deep, and Kirk felt like he was mid spacewalk with no suit. He was weightless. He gasped for air.  
“Yield.”  
Kirk shook his head, stubbornly.  
“Come on. You know what I wanna hear.” Steve licked up Kirk’s neck and bit down on his ear. “Say it,” he whispered.  
Kirk moaned.  
“Say it.”  
Kirk muttered something unintelligible.  
“Louder.”  
“Please…”  
“Please what?” Steve’s eyes were shining. He squeezed Kirk’s wrists harder.  
Kirk gulped. “Please… Captain.”


	2. Captain America has Never Seen Titanic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Up:
> 
> Captain America has never seen Titanic. Right? I mean, he's go a lot to catch up on. It wouldn't surprise me if that were overlooked. Really, that's all I was thinking about, and this wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote it down.

Steve Rogers knew something was amiss before he entered his apartment. It didn’t take super-soldier senses, either. There were lights on, when he knew he had left them all off, and he could hear music playing faintly from behind his closed door. He opened the door cautiously, shield at the ready, and gaped at the scene that unfolded before him.

The lights were on, dimly, and an old song crooned from his record player. His art supplies had been moved into the living room, where they seemed almost on display. And there was a naked genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist lying on his couch.

“Hey, Tony,” Steve managed to choke out. “What’s going on here? I mean, not that I’m not thrilled to see you like this, but it’s a bit of a surprise.”

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you,” Tony Stark replied. “Not since you were talking to Thor about the painting you did this weekend, and how – by the time you were done – you were covered from head to toe in paint. It’s still under your fingernails. There’s a spot behind your ear, and a few streaks still in your hair. I just can’t stop wondering what it would look like to see you like that. You know, except the paint would be red and gold.”

“Again, I’m really glad you’re here,” Steve tried to keep his voice kind and casual. He liked what he was seeing and didn’t want to scare the man away, “but I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Paint me,” Tony said breathily. “Paint me like one of your French girls.”

Steve blinked at him, and his face scrunched up in confusion. “My French…? Tony, I’m sorry but you must be confused. I mean, I served in France, during the war, but I didn’t have any women there and I certainly didn’t bring my art supplies with.”


	3. Is Frank A Serial Killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not fanfic. This is an essay that nobody asked for. I have many skills.
> 
> The question was raised: Is Frank Castle a serial killer? Isn't it inappropriate to lump him in with people like Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy.
> 
> FRANK CASTLE IS A SERIAL KILLER BUT IT'S STILL OK TO THINK HE'S HOT. IN THIS ESSAY I WILL...

se·ri·al kill·er

noun

a person who commits a series of murders, often with no apparent motive and typically following a characteristic, predictable behavior pattern.

1\. Is Frank a person who commits a series of murders: Yes

2\. Does he have no apparent motive: Yes. The double negative here is confusing, but he no motive. Perhaps, at the beginning, his motive is revenge for the death of his family, but he keeps going well after that motive is accomplished. Also, in the Netflix series, he admits that "this is who I have always been," even before his family is killed. 

3\. Does he follow a characteristic, predictable behavior pattern: Yes. He kills criminals, and usually violent ones. He kills "bad guys." 

Frank meets all three criteria. Most importantly, he kills serially, and is therefore a serial killer.

Is he as bad as Jeffrey Dahmer? No. Jeffrey Dahmer was also a rapist and a cannibal. Also, looking at #3, he targeted boys, which is objectively more offensive than targeting "bad guys."

Is he as bad as Ted Bundy? No. Ted Bundy was also a rapist and a necrophiliac. Also, again, he targeted underage victims who had done nothing "wrong" in societies eyes. 

Most importantly:

Is Frank Castle a fictional person: Yes

Is Frank Castle presented as a troubled but sympathetic character: yes

Is Frank Castle played by a smoking hot actor: Double yes

Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy both real people who committed not only murder, but also the only crimes that our society views as worse than murder (rape, cannibalism, necrophilia). 

Is it ok to have a crush on Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy: HARD NOPE

Is it ok to have a crush on Frank Castle: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY


End file.
